Four Levels of Involvement

Hello hello! How are you? Well, I have a couple of thoughts right now, and they are young so there is room for them to grow and your input would be greatly appreciated.

But first, I would like to thank all of you again for reading. More importantly though, I want to thank you for your kind words, your love, your care, your support and your wisdom. It really is nourishing to know that I am making people proud and happy. So thank you for your love.

Now, I was talking to my work partner Christine the other day and we were talking about how involved people get in the world. I thought of it more and he are my thoughts.

I, as noted, by your experience with me or your reading this blog, am a person that believes that in any situation you are either an oppressor or the oppressed. Nuetrality is inevitably a place for the oppressor in the fact that it continues the status quo, which in turn, inevitably creates oppression. Not until there is no oppression will nuetrality cease to be oppressive. Now, that is not to say the oppressed should go ¨crazy¨and violently oppress the oppressors, but rather it means we must be deliberate in our actions. We must choose to fight against oppression. Whether it is speaking up when we hear a racial slur, or where we choose to put our money, or how we treat those around us, we must fight (again this does not mean violently) against oppression.

One of the problems though is that many people, myself included, do not take note when they are oppressing others. Of course, so forms are more detrimental than others, but we inadvertantly oppress at times. This does not inherently make us bad people, but rather creates the opportunity for learning, growth, change and justice. One more thing, is that this fight against oppression must be rooted in love.

But how do we act in love, especially if we are not aware that we oppress at times? Well, obviously, there is not just one answer or action which we can turn to in order to act with love. One thing we can look to however, is our level of involvement in the world around us.

We are human beings, which means we are social and historical beings. It also means, while reason is a large piece of our action, emotion determines much of what we do as well. Our emotion is often the combined result of our experience, our expectations, our education, and a number of other factors. What I have found a result to be then is four levels of involvement. Apathy, Perifery, Mid-Involvement, and Immediate. (These names are things I´m thinking of at the moment, just to make it easier to understand, they should probably be renamed).

Apathy/Disinterest: This is the first level of involvement. We hear of an issue, a situation or event and we either pay no attention to it, or the attention we do pay to it, we shurg off. We very quickly, within minutes if not seconds go back to our lives, in our own world. Something very individualistic that we all do, myself included.

Perifery: This is the second level of involvement. We hear of a situation and we are moved by it, if not greatly, at least momentarily. We hear of an event, a natural disaster possibly or a tragedy in the city we live, and maybe we donate money, or talk about it with others. We want to do something, but we still keep the event at a distance.

Mid-Involvement: This is the third level. In this piece someone very close to us has been affected by something. Maybe it is a drunk driving accident and a close friend is injured to which we then take an active measure to stop drunk driving. Or the hurricane finally devistates our own friends and we begin to not just donate supplies, but also campaign for donations. We prepare and help others prepare when the next occurs, and regardless of location, at home or abroad, we help in the efforts to create safety and good health, dignity in the lives of those affected.

Immediate: Finally, this is the four level of involvemet. This is when the situation or event either happens to us or our immediate family. We are deeply taken, moved, hurt by the event. Its proximity to us changes us forever. We are now active in what it means to combat said event, say cancer resulting from cigarette use for example. Or another example would be family members who are connected to the unjust wages abroad and at home, which translate into low prices for consumers. Often times, when this stage is reached, I think people say ¨I never thought this could happen to me.¨ If the conversion and experience is genuine, I think this degree of involvement, for said situation, remains a lifetime, if not passed on through immediate generations.

If you notice, the levels grow in care for the greater community, while they impact more personally. Obviously, none of what I have said is new, I know people know this, but I like defining it to then reflect on it more. But level four for example, creates the opportunity to understand a great interconnectedness in the world. This is also connected to a vulnerability. Globalization is bringing products and services to the elite of the world, myself included, but our awareness of the world much more widely understood today because of globalization, must also be an avenue in which we can care for others and not just benefit from them.

Now, I by no means am saying that a person cannot be actively involved in creating justice without reaching this fourth level. In fact, there are no absolutes in this world. Those things that are most constant and life giving, are, I believe, related to God, which is love. So of course, some of us are actively involved without ever being closely impacted, but I think these four levels of involvement are a good preliminary benchmark for how people interact with the world. Again, the deeper we get in involvement, the greater force of love we have driving us. Love and care for the world. The trick then, is to get to this level four, hopefully without getting too hurt, and staying there.

And we can get to this fourth level, this immediate involvement in the world, without having a directly personal experience. But let us warn ourselves that it is an initially EXHAUSTING undertaking. Not so much to get to this fourth level of involvement, but to act on it. You see, we can be told something or see it, and sometimes, we will be genuinely moved to conversion (this often happens with religions), but is the continuous effort to act on it that is difficult, especially for the elite in the world such as ourselves.

Now, let me clarify something so that I do not sound contradictary. Typically to get to the fourth level of involvement we must have the personal experience mentioned. But that personal experience acts as a catalyst to a universal love (again, often shared if not preached by those who are truly faithful to their life-giving religion). Universal, agape, love. Care for the world and for its justice and the dignity of its people, as a priority over self interest and ¨survival¨ is what drives all action. While I think the fourth level creates a universal love, I do not think that you necessarily need the fourth level to have a universal and genuine love. Make sense?

I hope I am not losing you, but I am starting to lose myself, so I will wrap up. Again, all of this needs a lot of work. BUT! When we have a universal, agape, genuine love, when we become immediately involved (which is often the result of a personal experience), it is then that we can change the world and fight this oppression.

For us, and for all, it means deliberate action. It means divesting money from companies that use unfair labor. It means the wealthy do not by second homes, much less purchase affordable housing. It even means, not buying clothes from salvation army for example when you can afford other things (I am guilty of this one too). It means a radical financial re-investment in the world, so that 5% of the world´s population (the U.S.) does not control over 50% of the world´s wealth. It means keeping opportunities and options avaiable for the poor. It means taking an active role in forming some sort of relationship with political representatives and Congresspeople so that influence can be made on decisions (after all, friendship is the greatest convertor, and friendship of course, is rooted in love, we seem to be encountering a common thread here). It means to not take more than we need esepcially when there is a limited supply. It means to give from our reserves and not just our abundance.

It is hard, and I cannot do it. I fall victim to the luxaries that I have grown up with and cannot depart from currently. For example, I throughly enjoy movies. Here they are really cheap. I will buy some. You could argue it either way. One is I am buying from the salvation army here when I could buy at a movie store in the States, and I am taking away from those here. You could also say, there is no unjust labor in these DVD stores and I am just contributing to the economy. You could also argue that the money saved on buying the movies as oppossed to in the States here can later be donated to some other cause. You could also argue I do not need the movies to be happy, which is true. But like most things in life we are attached to, it is not healthy nor realistic to stop using them all at once (nor are all attachments life-taking), but we should do our best to detach ourselves where possible, whilst still being present and living with love.

Sometimes we need things to be present. If we wanted a soda for example, and we were thinking all day how much we wanted that soda and not paying attention to the world around us, then we should just get the soda, and start living. But, as mentioned, we must do our best to indulge ourselves in the things that are universal in this world, such as the company of one another.

You see how tiring it is to take action and be deliberate. It is just tiring to read this and think of it let alone act on it. It is hard but it is a task worth embarking on, and when it is rooted in love, it will be fruitful for all in the world.

And finally, and most importantly, while it is good to think and reflect, we must act. We need to live. And as a good friend told me once, ¨the greatest form of resistance is to celebrate life in every moment.¨

Thanks for reading, if you have thoughts on how to refine these words, let me know please. I am sending my love and prayers and thoughts and hoping to receive your airconditioning because it is HOT here. Paz!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

it's weird to think that today is thanksgiving. it's not celebrated in ecuador, so it hasn't even been on my radar. they started preparing for christmas two weeks ago (i was in a mall in guayaquil last weekend, on a computer while a chipmunk's christmas was playing in the background-the stuff we export is ridiculous). but as i was on my way to work a few minutes ago i realized that exactly one year ago is when i decided to take the plunge and look into volunteering.

i was in hilton head, south carolina visiting my dad's family for thanksgiving and i was feeling very uneasy at the prospect of graduating and entering the "work force." i knew sitting behind a desk from 9 to 5 wasn't for me. still isn't. so i started thinking of what i would enjoy. i instantly knew traveling was near the top of my list. but being a poor college student, soon to graduate with student loans, making me even more poor, i knew i needed to find a viable option in traveling. so i started looking at volunteer progrgams. this was all before i came to ecuador mind you. so as i was in hilton head for two or three days waiting for my parents to arrive, i started to come up with ideas, sketches, plans of what i could do and what it would look like. i wanted a community-based program, so i wasn't just dropped off in the middle of the juungle by myself. and at the time i was seriously looking into africa (that is still on the list of future plans). but as i ran through all of these thoughts in my head, the one thought that scared me the most was talking about all of this with my dad. we are different people. he's logical, slow to act, methodical, rational. and i'm, well, irrational, emotional, and quick to act. so naturally my biggest fear was that he would rain on my parade and tell me it's impossible to do something like this, i've got loans to pay and i need to get a job. but the suprising thing is, he was the most supportive of all. i told him what i wanted. and he said to me, "if you want to travel, travel. find a way to do what makes you happy." i was shocked. i was expecting a big speech on health insurance, loans, etc. but none of that came. only support. two weeks later i was in duran, ecuador and i knew that this was what i wanted to do. the rest is history. so on this thanksgiving day i'm thankful for this opportunity, but mostly for my dad's support.

28 de agosto experience

Aracely, our Ecuadorian ¨liason¨took me around 28 de agosto to get to know some of the people. First, we visited her aunt who she hadn´t seen or talked to in 7 years. We left there & met an older couple in their 50s who were in the trash dump site. Ara and I walked through all the trash to talk with them, a dense blanket of flies parted for us. They had been piling up paper, plastic, & glass to sell to a recycling place for 3-cents/kilo (paper) & 4-cents/pound (plastic), she had been telling us this as she tried on a pair of old sandals with a raised hell on them. They were also picking out any good food that was among the trash, like ¨verde¨ bananas, potatoes, onions. As the conversation furthered we found out this man has a hernia on his bellybutton & needs surgery. Thankfully he was selected for a free surgery at a hospital that assist low-income patients; unfortunately he can´t pay for any recovery or medicine. His wife also has diabetes and can´t afford any attention. It seems like diabetes is fairly common the poorer areas - I don´t know why, perhaps malnutrtion? But it´s a shame that all the foods that they aren´t supposed to eat, like sugars, potatoes, rice, are the majority of foods they can afford.

After about a 20-min conversation I looked around & realized I was actually standing in the middle of a trash dump, wondering how the hell I got here of all the places I could be right now in this world, looking at all the surrounding cane homes built up on cane stilts, prepared for the rainy season. I wondered why the trash site looked so torn up & scattered and found my answer when I saw our older friend help unload several trashbags off a cart of another man who must live nearby. He started ripping open the plastic bags and scattering the trash around to look for paper, plastic, or glass to sell. I had never seen anything like this… neither could I believe people lived so close to the dump, which brings me to my next house visit. There on the outskirts of the trash lived a lady, her son & her boyfriend. Theird house was literally pieced together with metal roofin and cane and you couldn´t stand up in the house bc it was so short. The story of this lady is another sad story that I feel like I´m becoming calloused to bc I hear so many like it. Her 1st husband abandoned her, her 2nd was killed by theives when their son, Panchito, was 3, and now she lives with her boyfriend, who for some reason doesn´t like the boy, who is now about 10. Now they are trying to scroung up money to pay off their $1500 land payment (with Pancho´s help of not going to school and selling paper & plastic from the dump site) and find a cheaper plot of land to buy & build on, all in less than 1-2 months before the rain season comes & covers their house.

I don´t have anything else to say other than to describe what I saw today. I don´t kno what the solutions are in these sitations or if there are any at all… but why shouldn´t there be? I wonder often if I´m called to something more here in Duran, Ecuador than just empathy for these families, the individuals, who are essentially just like me…

Our mission in RdC is to just accompany these people, not give them money; to share in conversation with them & undersatnd their situations, their struggles, & also the joys they find in their lives. Then I go home to think about how this all is affecting me & just maybe they go home and find a little peace in the conversation we shared, a little bit of hope that there are people in this world who are actually listening…

it's funny to realize, but i've had more time to think in the last three months than i did in four years of college. i constantly find my mind somewhere else, thinking about a myriad of things, mostly concerning my future: what am i going to do when next august roles around? will i go live back in the states? will i do another volunteer program? will i move to argentina? will i go home for six months then move abroad? will i go to grad school? will i move to l.a.? back to chicago? how would i pay to do any of this? these are all good questions i should be asking myself, but right now isn't the time. i need to be here, now, experiencing this, but that has proven to be hard. the last few weeks have been very hard as future plans or friends and family back in the states have consumed my mind, which in turns makes being present here, both mentally and physically, difficult. i thank god every day that i am here, i do, but there have been many days where i just wanted to get on a plane and leave. frustrations with spanish. frustrations with community living. frustrations with ecuadorian culture. it's easy to start to think being here is a mistake. but then it takes some outside perspective to clear the fog sometimes.

pat mcteague is that outside perspective for me. simply, she is my hero. pat mcteague came to ecuador in 1965 with a group of nuns and started working with shoe shine boys in quito. after five years of frustrating attempts at social work and constant lack of oxygen, pat moved to the coast, to guayaquil where she met a future life-long friend and business partner. the pair wanted to create a quality education for the poor of the region, with the hopes that one day a very class-oriented society would integrate and the poor and rich of the guayaquil region would go to school together. twenty-odd years later, their dream came true ... sort of. pat and sonya founded nuevo mundo, a school and foundation which serves the wealthy families of guayaquil in the morning, while serving the poor of guayaquil and duran in the afternoon. both receive the same quality education, which is one of the top programs in the nation. rostro is associated with nuevo mundo for several reasons, one of which is the retreat groups. we take retreat groups to see nuevo mundo's ridiculous campus at the end of their trip to show them the hope and opportunities that exist for kids in duran, and at the end of the tour, pat talks with the group. this is one of my favorite stops with groups because even though she conveys the same message every time, with 24 groups a year, she still has a passion and sincerity that excites me every time i hear her speak. she is one of the reasons i am here. she has this way of conveying my responsibility to be here. i'm a white male from the united states. i have a college education. a passport. in essence i have access to anything i want in the world. how many other people can say that? maybe two percent of the world. so if i'm part of the two percent with all of these privileges, what does that mean? do i have a responsibility to help the rest of the world that lives in inhumane conditions, facing the worst of atrocities. what do i do? can i lead a guilt free life and do nothing? i say this because of this: anytime i feel like being here is a mistake, i should talk with pat. she makes me feel like i truly have a reason for being here. like i should be living an extrodinary life. listening to her talk makes me excited about all of this. that this is my responsibility.

and what better way to be present then celebrate? last night we went across the street to abrahan's (ab-BRAN) house for his 30th birthday party. abrahan, who is one of the guards at our house, is one of those guys who always has a smile on his face, always joking and eternally thinks he's a college frat boy. his party was no different. lots of dancing, lots of music (the loudest speakers in the city), lots of food, lots of fun. i left his house around 1:30 am and rejoined the party as it was still going at 8:30 this morning, (if that gives you any indication as to how parties go down here.) at one point in the night, after abrahan had yelled at me to come back over to the party, we played this little game where abrahan would pick someone from the party, tell them to choose a balloon which had a piece of paper in it, pop it, then abrahan would read the piece of paper and the person would have to act out whatever he said. my balloon, which abrahan loved since he always jokes with the male volunteers about being ¨sopa¨(gay) was to shout at the top of my lungs ¨quiero un hombre que haga me feliz¨three times (i want a man to make me happy). it was hilarious how something so small made abrahan crack up so much. this is why i need to be present. to remember this. to experience this.

A Selfish Year

The formating didn´t work on this comp, so it might be spaced out weird sorry...

Well, well, well...we meet again! I have been out and about doing a number of things and I apologize it has been a while since I last wrote.

Before I came to Ecuador, I knew this year was part¨selfish.¨ I wanted to be in South America, in a country that enjoyed soccer, had good food, had a program where I could live in community, where I could live in an impoverished area, and be told what to do for a while. I wanted it to be a time where I could discern what the next steps of my life were. Whatever I wanted, it is what I wanted. Of course, I discerned the program and it felt right to come to Ecuador, but for the most part it was to answer desires and needs within myself. It was not to come to ¨make a difference¨ or to ¨save anyone¨ from anything, not to say that that is the mentality of anyone here. But this year was to take my time, enjoy myself, and figure out pieces of my future.

As a result, I get very excited about my future! There are so many possibilities and options that blow my mind and I enjoying thinking about them. The thoughts I have include, living in Argentina next year. Trying out for a soccer team. Possibly doing a masters program in Argentina. Doing a masters program at BC, or another Jesuit university. Opening up an eatery in some Latin American beach town. Riding a bicycle through pieces of the Americas. And then of course, the great excitement, but patience, for children. All of these, of course are great thoughts. The problem is, when I think of them, I stop living in the present with those around me, and turn in to my own little world. (Not too mention, when we are living we listen to what God and the world wants from us and our plans and desires inevitably change.)

Therefore, when I am out of the present, thinking of the joys of the future, I grow in guilt. Guilt that I do not appreciate the joys of the present and guilt that I am doing a disservice to the world and those around me, denying them my love and closing off to receiving their love. All for the sake of my thoughts and excitements of the future. There are countless joys in the present! Of course, it is not bad to think of the future and to be excited for the beauties that lie ahead, but for me, in order to transform the world, to create justice and breed love, (all reason why we live I believe) we must be in the present.

When we are present we form relationships and nourish ourselves and the those around us. And when we are present we nourish God. For me, we reach God in one another and in Nature. But to do so, we must be present and feel our emotions and partake in what we have around us. There is nothing like sharing conversation, work, play, fear with one another for we share in God. And when we stand barefoot and let the grass caress our feet, or marvel at the stars in all their wonder, or feel the wind play with our hair or push our body, it is as if we are kissing God. And when these two are combined, relationships and Nature, we are in true harmony of what it means to love and be loved. It is then when we find our humanity, divinity and joy.

Of course, not all moments are good and we are in pain. There is a lot of perpetual suffering and innocent who hurt. Perpetual suffering is a real kick. But when we experience things together, in silence, tears and confusion, when we question, when we become vulnerable with one another, showing our weakness, which is to say our humanity, we come that much closer to love, peace and justice. When we do come together in our weakness, it is there that we become strong and we can take more action as a group, be it collaborating or lobbying for an issue, or building a well, or opening up a shop, or placing someone in power or righting the wrong caused by blind oppression (because the oppressors rarely recognize what they are doing, hell I oppress at times).

Justice, peace and deeper love are the result of our love and desire to share in the humanity and divinity of each. There is a dignity within each person, that is fulfilled most when we are present, and we look the person in the eye, our lover or a beggar, and give them our love and more importantly maybe, receive theirs.

I recognize, that this desire to create justice and breed love, through being present and creating relationships is not exclusive to Ecuador. It can be done anywhere, at anytime, by all people. And that is why I say this year is part selfish . I wanted to be here, (let me say too that I trust there is a deeper reason as to why I am here), but what happens here is not particular to Ecuador. It is particular to the possibility of all of as humans as children of Love, that is, children of a God of all. We can all create change and breed love, and we need to, because there is some tough stuff going on in this world, but we are stronger than the suffering.

So we will see what the future holds for me personally, after all surprises are nice. And if we listen to our heart, as The Little Prince reminds us, we cannot go wrong. My mom always told me to listen to my heart for it is where God dwelled inside me, and it has not steered me wrong yet.

Other than that, things have been becoming more ¨normal¨ here, that is to say, while I learn everyday, I am a little less surprised and more aware. I have been confirmed by many to ask the ¨poor¨ who the poor are and what poverty is (many think it is those without values, confirming that inability to look at poverty as simply an economic state), and am reminded in the need to hold a child who is crying after she has fallen for in that moment, that is the only thing in the world that matters.

Finally, to show you the craziness that can be Ecuador, I passed a school Thursday which had about 100 6-11 year olds hulded around a twenty foot pole at the end of the school day. At the top of the pole was rice, flour, snacks, daipers, soda, toothpaste, a number of treats. The kids had to climb up the pole to get the treats. BUT! there was a catch, the pole was covered in grease HAHA Palo Encevado they call it. It was hillarious! You had all these kids standing on each other, climbing up the pole like Cirque du Soleil and parents and kids laughing galore, oohing and ahhing as kids slid down and steped on one another. I have the pictures on a friends camera, I will try to get them up soon. It was great!

I leave you now with some pictures and gratitude for reading my blog. Thank you again for your comments, prayers and love. I am thinking of all with whom my path has crossed and am grateful for all of it. Peace amigos! http://santiagobuncevalente.blogspot.com/ (for pictures).

I thought it would be easier...

First a quick response to Jenny's comment: You're spot on Jen. I wrote that last post in a particularly low moment when my level of jealousy of all the volunteers who have something to cling to in the day to day--be it a job or grad school-- was particularly high. I don't mean to say that any one's Ecua experience is getting put on a shelf. I know that it permeates everything you do. I am struggling big time with the fact that I spent all this money on college and worked all these internships for experience, and on top of that I went to Ecuador with all of you and so far employers don't seem to value any of it because I'm not 30 and don't have 6 years in the field. Maybe it's impatience or lack of trust in God's plan, but it's tough when I have nothing to do but write cover letters and think about Ecuador every single day.

Still here, still adrift unemployed etc, etc. But I feel much better now that I sent my first package off to Duran. I managed to hammer out 17 letters and some goodies for the volunteers, because I need to entice them to deliver all those letters. I hope that the board meeting for Rostro goes well and benefits Ecuador in the end. I have been talking a lot with my parents and my "advisory board," of people who know me and love me. I do a lot of talking and strategizing every day about how I will get to DC, but not a lot of action happens because almost everything after the cover letter and resume leave my desktop is out of my control. Which of course makes me think of the time in Ecuador when I was so infuriated about my lack of control. The more things change...I wonder what my Ecuadorian "advisory board' would say to me. What would Lupe or Eduardo or Paquita or Aracely say to me? Would I be ashamed by their thoughts on patience and trust and expectation? Would they scold me for having forgotten my lessons on injustice and knowing how to be fully present in the present? Would they be disillusioned to learn that the U.S. is not an overflowing font of employment opportunities even for those of us who have studied? What would they say?

Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

Hospitality

How do I overcome the desire to guard my territory and my time and let others take part in my life? How do I let the present moment take precedence over the planned future?Here, I do this more easily. My schedule changes in the three seconds it takes a neighbor to invite me in for lunch, or as soon as the herd of children see me and sprint to tackle me into a game of Cafe Chocolate. Here, I let myself be taken by life as I learn to trust spontaneity.

I give my time, though not my home. Like most houses here, our home is gated, though it´s unique in that it has a guard, and only Rostro staff are allowed in unannounced or unaccompanied. I am uncomfortable with the distance this system creates between us and our neighbors, but understand its necessity (or at least utility) for security and other reasons. Following the recommendation (not rule) of our directors, our community opted for a no-visitors policy, to be revisited regularly. Eso me cuesta. Again, I understand its purpose, but I struggle with the distance it creates. I want to share my space with people I care about, to give them the intimacy of my sanctuary.

Here, now, I can´t. So - how to be a hospitable guest? How to share my heart and home outside of the gate? Pictures, bananna bread, conversation, radical availability. That´s my best answer to date.

I am not Ecuadorian. As welcome as I feel with certain families, I don´t and can´t understand life in Arbolito. I will leave. I can leave. Poverty is the absence of power to change your life. (Who said this?) I have power. I have a college degree, money, two languages, white skin, and I vote for the president of the United States of America. I feel welcome, open, loved, loving, and learning, but I am not arboliteña and I want to respect the difference. Yes, I still learn across a gulf, and I learn more honestly.

Given the gulf, why do they invite me in? Because I´m new? Special? A good person? White? Rich? Able to give them things? Or because close quarters and sugarcane walls make barriers fluid, and everyone cooks more than their family will eat?

It´s easy to fall into the trap of cynicism and to believe that new friends here will eventually manipulate the gringa into repaying them with favors or money. But I don´t believe that. Some will try to exploit me, but this is true anywhere of any people. The world I want to create - the world Christ calls me to create - sows trust and generosity to reap love and strength of community. How can I construct this world if I don´t first believe in it and live it? I won´t request what I refuse to live.

¨I am blessed to be a witness.¨

Trust is risky. So is generosity. Eventually, I´m gonna get screwed. Someone will take advantage of my whatever goodness I manage to share. You will read those emotions too as the year (as life?) wears on, and they will be ugly. I will try, try, try to live joyfully despite disappointment and deception. Bear with me. Feel free to join in the experiment. Also to pray.

What a small price to pay for build love.

I trust you.

Today´s prayer intentions: for the cumpleañeros, Brigitte and Fernando; for us to find strength to love through difficulty, and that we resist the hardening of our hearts as we face the ugliness of this world. And also in thanksgiving for good parents, both mine and others´.

¿perdida?

"Not all who wander are lost."- J.R.R. Tolkien

I am definitely wandering. Maybe I am lost, but I don't think so. I am without direction that is for sure. I talked to Jenny for 5 minutes and spent the next half hour in tears.

Everyone else has a life, they have a an income, they have put Ecuador in it's big, important, painful compartment and they have moved on. They are grounded in other things. I am grounded in nothing. I am drifting. I am trusting, but drifting all the same. I knew this when I compared wrists with Alison and Mike, here in Boston. I am still wearing bracelets from Ecuador. I can't take them off. But Mike is wearing a big shiny watch and Alison changes jewelry everyday. They have class and work and friends. I have the next location and countless hours spent waiting for the malidito phone to ring. I am still mourning the loss of Ecuador because I have nothing to move forward to. I have no true home, I have no daily occupation, and I certainly don't do a damn thing that matters in this world...when only months ago the simplest act could mean the world to someone. I had to but show up at someones' house and I would have made an impact.

Yo los abandoné. I abandoned them. That is the only thing I can possibly feel. You are not supposed to leave people whom you love. And I left them. And I left them for nothing. And I am so afraid that now I am nothing without them.

Con gripe (GREE-pay)

Así ando, con gripe. I´m sick as a dog with enough junk leaving my nasal cavity to question what modern medicine teaches about the human body´s maximum volume capacity. I wonder if I´ve leaked any brainpower in the process. The last few days have left me bedridden and this is my first exciting foray into the world since Wednesday. Who knew buying bread and hitting up the Internet cafe could be such a thrill?

I have discovered the cause for my sickness, or rather, my Ecuadorian neighbors have discovered it for me. Cambio de clima, se dicen, y mucho polvo. Blame it on the change in temperature and the excessive dust. Whether we have the sniffles, a sore throat, upset stomach, or a broken arm, these two are always the culprit. It´s like going to the campus medical center and receiving their super-potent antibiotic pack for everything from the flu to carpal tunnel syndrome. Regardless of the cause, I am resting a receiving lots o´ love from concerned neighbors and communitymates. If I can´t have Mom, at least I have good friends.

My neighborhood is known as Arbolito, although there is no specific small tree that makes this name logical. It started as an invasion - a squatter settlement - about 15 years ago and has grown. The main road and one other are paved, but most are dirt and rocks. It´s divided losely into 4 sectors, numbered based on age and level of devleopment. I live in Sector 3, which hosts the Catholic church and a tech school built a few years ago which moonlights (afternoons) as our host for Semillas. Most houses are made of sugarcane, though some are cement and most blocks have one or two under construction. Arbolito settlers moved into a swamp, and the damp climate remains and gives us LOTS of mosquitos, so I avoid the outdoors during twilight hours. Most of our female neighbors work out of the house - owning a store, sewing, making shoes or some other type of artisanry - and male neighbors are mechanics, bus or taxi drivers, construction workers, or work sporadically in whatever job they can find. Many are unemployed, particularly because Arbolito offers very little in terms of employment, and a good chunk work in jobs that keep them away from the home Mon-Fri.

Te lo explico. Arbolito is a neighborhood of Duran, a large area across the river from Guayaquil. Most of the poor who work in Guayaquil live in Duran, which has developed more quickly in some sectors than others. Every way I can think of to explain these places references places I´ve lived before - Duran´s largest artery called Primavera 1 looks like the main drag in Callao in Peru, lined with stores covered by grates and stoplights that regulate very little. Arbolito is Lima´s Gambetta neghborhood - dusty, dirty, burning trash, small stores, lots of pedestrians and biciclists riding two or three on a bike that looks like it shouldn´t support one. Music, music, music, though this is true for almost every location I visit here. And kids! Everywhere! Guayaquil hosts plenty of street children, though I don´t see them often because there are fewer in Duran and my job keeps me on this side of the river. Oh man, the kids. Those big brown eyes. And they´re all so darn good at soccer. I feel uncoordinated and clumsy with them, but they continue to run to me for hugs and any sort of cariño. I guess soccer skills don´t define one´s worth as a person. Who knew?

Funny anecdote: Duran and Guayaquil are separated by a river, which flows in some of the strangest, most erratic currents I´ve ever seen. Consequently, the river (río in Spanish) is affectionately called the ría, making it feminine and thus matching the female characteristics of being fickle, indecisive, and impossible to understand. I know I´ll catch flack for posting this, but if you saw the way 72 year old Gabriel winked and knudged me with his elbow as he told this story, you´d throw it in too. Oh Gabriel - would that I were old and charming enough to be as excusably irreverent as he! Dimples and a good laugh - dangerously powerful.

Pardon my directionless writings - cabin fever leaves me a little loopy. Peace be with you, friends!

Today´s prayer intentions: for the volunteers at the Farm of the Child, who are taking a weekend retreat to renew their energy, that they find strength and patience for love; and for Raul, for whatever made him cry the other day.

Come In

Dear friends and family, past, present, and future,

¡Feliz dia!

I am in Ecuador. July 31, 2007 marked my first night and I´m dumbstruck when I see today´s date. 6 weeks? Really?

When I first arrived, a veteran volunteer told me that his days in Ecuador dragged on, but weeks and months flew by. Now I sit in the front office at work, scribbling notes in a small book filled with prayres and Spanish vocabulary (parsley is ¨perejil¨), waiting to head out for another interminable day.

I love these days, these long, sweaty days that send me home dripping, drained, and satisfied. Evenings smell like sunscreen diluted with salt water and children´s dirty hands until a cold shower, rice steam, and lime juice take over. I prefer neither clean nor dirty, and I sleep best when I´ve bathed in both.

Nights are cool and windy, though I´m told this will change when the rains come (November-April). The sun is intense. There is no font bold enough for this word.God is here, in people. Bueno,

God is everywhere in people, but I see Him here, now, sweating, laughing. Six other volunteers share my days and theirs over dinner, and five more live in another house nearby. Family.

My neighbors also. Señora Patricia and Co. above all. Nine people live in that open home. Be patient - I will give them to you as best I can in the coming weeks and months. Know that I am well loved here. And that I am blessed.

Monday-Friday take me to work. Two jobs, morning and afternoon. At 8:30a I start my day with Hogar de Cristo, working in their micro-credit program. This job will change dramatically in the next few weeks, so I´ll say more in time.

Afternoons call me to Semillas de Mostaza, an after-school program in my neighborhood that hosts 50-140 kids daily, depending on the time of year. It is my greatest source of joy and frustration. Children´s lies sting more than others, and their growth tastes rich and sweet. Again, I will say more.

I am learning to pray here. A slow process. Singing helps tremendously, as (strangely) do bumpy buses.

Brief, piddly, insufficient. Yes, I know, but it is something! Tell me what you want more of.

Your letters! Thank you, and for your prayers also.

Today´s intentions: Jefferson, that he stop getting in his own way and can learn to behave as well as he so desperately wants to.

The Farewell

Hey all!After these last few weeks of goodbyes and trying to take in all of Ecuador, it´s about that time to head off to my buddies wedding in California and then head home to MN for a few months.

We have made the most of our last few weeks with farewell parties, our boss getting married and enjoying last conversations.

I want to thank all you guys who have been praying for my journey here in Ecuador through the ups and downs as I sent out updates whether or not you wanted them or not, I kept sending, cause the more the merrier for prayer.

A special thanks to all of you who gave financially to my time here because it would not have been possible without that blessing. I have seen God work in many ways and that was also one of those experiences to see that God provides and works through us.

Especially during my painting time with my dad for those of you who live in Waseca, MN, atleast for a few minutes or more, I´d love to catch up and just see how you´re doing. So stop by if you see me painting in the following months.

Take care and Godbless and thank you again for all the prayers and support on my year long journey here in Ecuador.

Blessings.SAM

what you don´t see....

seeing things on the surface...
everything can parecer muy bien... looking at a picture, for example, or even the video I made for the clausura of Santiago...
but that is hardly a representation of reality. My kids can look great in a picture, afterall, they are beautiful children of God...
but can you smell them? Can you tell that they haven´t been bathed in days, maybe even weeks?
can you see the scars hidden under their clothes, whther on their bodies, their precious bodies, which were originally made to be Temples for the Holey Spirit? How is it that their parents didn´t get the memo??
or can you see the scars on their hearts?
can you know the reason why and how their moods can change so quickly and their eues go cold?
can you know the details of the stories they so desperately need to share...but for carious reasons can and will not?
can you know their potential inside? that they, too, have dreams and aspirations, even if they don´t know how to spell them....


just some thoughts after seeing and being with so many of the kids here...
but on a more uplifting note... Jesus has risen, and we have been so blessed to be able to celebrate with each other and with the people here. We miss you all, but know that we are in your prayers, just as you are in ours! Thank you so much, as always, for your ever continuing support. Happy Easter week!

Love and peace,
Mara :)

*RIP John Clemency

hace tiempo....

wow...so as i came into this year, i thought i would be writing blogs all the time, i love writing and sharing, so it just made sense....but alas, we have been here now for about 6 months, and this is my second one....why? well, i could obviously say lack of time, limited computer access, inability to speak either language: english or spanish, etc. But i think the other very important factor is that things such as this (trying to express oneself, especially through writing) cannot be forced. So many times i feel myself experiencing emotions at levels which i had never known before....
There are so many times here when I don´t even know what´s going on inside of me, let alone try to explain it to anyone else....how, for example, can you best explain those times when you feel beyond weak (in every aspect, physically, emotionally, etc.) and yet at the very same time, you feel stronger than you ever knew possible....and yet it`s a different kind of strength...a strength which can only be reached/acquired by allowing yourself to get to that point of weakness and vulnerability. It´s as if the crucifixion and all the pain that comes with it, is happening at the exact same moment of the resurrection and all the wonder, awe, gratitude, and joy that comes with that.....and yet with these coexisting extremes occuring inside a single person, a single heart....(for this is something that can obviously occur in each and every individual)....it, often times, is just too much...our hearts were not made big enough to contain such stong and powerful emotions....but as one of my best friends reminded me most recently:
For this, we are broken, and must be broken....for it is only then, that our hearts will be mended and made anew, made bigger than before by the hands of our Creator...and thus will be able to contain even more of His love. Just like the parable in the Gospel in which Jesus talks about having to get new wineskins to hold the wine he brings, because the other ones will stretch and burst. You can't put new wine in old wineskins because they will ultimately buckle and break...His love being the wine. We need a new heart, a new barrel, which to hold his love that he wants to give to us. The process of making room for the new and bigger wineskin no doubt tears at us....
Bueno, that´s all from me, for now. I hope that was able to make at least a little sense :)
God bless you all. And, as always, thanks so much for your support! We appreciate your thoughts, prayers, letters, emails, todo...more than we can say!!
¡Cuidense!
paz, amor, y alegría,
Mara :)

Feliz Año Nuevo!

Since I've last written, I've shared much with my neighbors and fellow volunteers - Jesus' birthday, a 4th of July Christmas Eve dinner, an Italian Christmas day dinner, New Year's Eve craziness, electricity problems and therefore a candlelit dinner with Raul, a death, and the last week of classes at Mundo before vacation.

Christmas Eve was an experience. That morning we went with the Shalom group and others to 28 de Agosto and the surrounding areas to deliver food, clothes, and toys. One of the Ecuadorians said that they "were going to give things to the poor" (the poor serve the poorer - it's all a matter of perspective). The day included 20 people piled in a pickup truck, a flat tire, and an unforgettable time of distributing the supplies.

Long story very short, we ended up having a wonderful 4th of July dinner of chili dogs, chips, and salad on Christmas Eve with Kevin's family. Then we went to the Arbolito mass - now THAT was a celebration! I think my favorite part was singing Apurate mi Burrito. It's not that I didn't miss my family, but it's just that I had so much to be thankful for. What a great group of newfound friends and neighbors, what great company, what a celebration.

Christmas morning Kevin, Kevin's mom and I made a pancake breakfast. We volunteers exchanged affirmation letters (our Christmas presents to each other, as we're falta dinero). Then we ate our fill of Annie´s wonderful Italian Christmas dinner. The holidays were filled with nothing but reminders of all that I have to be thankful for.

The next fun, new experience for me - los grios! We imagine it to be like the plague of locusts in Biblical times. At first I didn´t know what to do as we gathered at the Comunidad de Base meeting held outside a few weeks ago, but by the end of the night I was already more accustomed to the grios. I was even picking them out of Mara's hair without much problem - we had each other's backs. The Ecuadorians taught us how to grab them in our hands and slam them down on the ground. Solidarity to the max ;)

Last Friday as I led morning prayer, I read the verse from Romans 12 - Rejoice when others rejoice, and weep when others weep. That was the day I found out that Nila's (the nurse at the dispensario) son had died in a motorcycle accident. It seems to me like that verse from Romans is central to life. It also reminds me of the quote, "Shared joy is double joy, while shared sorrow is half sorrow."

And still, life goes on in Ecuador. I just finished reading the book my brother gave me for Christmas, Gilead. It's about an old preacher nearing death, and he's writing these memories to his son because he won't be there as his son grows up. He has a lot to say about this world and about existence - mostly that he loves it. He writes to his son, "It's your existence I love you for, mainly. Existence seems to me now the most remarkable thing that could ever be imagined." Yesterday I sat on my neighbor Martha´s bed and listened to her practice a speech she had to give in English, offering her a reassuring "Si, si," after every few words, and stared out the window up to the blue, cloud-filled sky above the streets of Ecuador. Sometimes I´m reminded that life is beautiful. Life is a gift.

Que Dios te bendiga.
Jenny