¿perdida?

"Not all who wander are lost."- J.R.R. Tolkien

I am definitely wandering. Maybe I am lost, but I don't think so. I am without direction that is for sure. I talked to Jenny for 5 minutes and spent the next half hour in tears.

Everyone else has a life, they have a an income, they have put Ecuador in it's big, important, painful compartment and they have moved on. They are grounded in other things. I am grounded in nothing. I am drifting. I am trusting, but drifting all the same. I knew this when I compared wrists with Alison and Mike, here in Boston. I am still wearing bracelets from Ecuador. I can't take them off. But Mike is wearing a big shiny watch and Alison changes jewelry everyday. They have class and work and friends. I have the next location and countless hours spent waiting for the malidito phone to ring. I am still mourning the loss of Ecuador because I have nothing to move forward to. I have no true home, I have no daily occupation, and I certainly don't do a damn thing that matters in this world...when only months ago the simplest act could mean the world to someone. I had to but show up at someones' house and I would have made an impact.

Yo los abandoné. I abandoned them. That is the only thing I can possibly feel. You are not supposed to leave people whom you love. And I left them. And I left them for nothing. And I am so afraid that now I am nothing without them.