what's next

What’s next? That’s the question I constantly find myself avoiding. With less than two months until my tenure in Ecuador is over as a Rostro de Cristo volunteer, the thought of what comes next is both exciting and daunting. The problem isn’t that I can’t find a job, no less, a job that benefits others. The problem, the real catch-22, is finding a direction that both helps others and invigorates me at the same time. I know I have to be serving others; that’s never been clearer. I have a college education. A U.S. passport. Those two items alone put me ahead of about 95% of the world. Those two items call me to help those who can’t help themselves; be a voice for the voiceless. But how?

I think what I’m really struggling with is finding what is my real passion in life. I used to think it was writing, but the daily grind of entry-level journalism turned me off. I know everyone’s got to start somewhere, but why sit in a cubicle waiting around for a story, when I could be out doing something? My thoughts then turned to traveling. I didn’t know how I could afford to travel after college with close to zero money saved, so I looked into volunteering. After a week abroad my senior year I found a little town in Ecuador called Duran. Eight months later, I found myself on a plane, heading back to that little town to serve for a year. I hoped that this experience would send out a clear sign or road map saying, “GO THIS WAY!” But as many of my roommates and fellow volunteers were finding undiscovered passions, they never knew existed, I was, and still am, left thinking “where’s my passion?”

That doesn’t mean I haven’t been changed or opened up to passions. I guess I’m not just not sure what to do with them. I know I have a passion for Latin America. The people, the culture, the language. In college I would have never guessed it; Europe and Spain is where I had my sights set, but being here has completely changed me. Two of my former employers, and maybe two of the most intelligent people I’ve ever been blessed to know, Carol Marin and Don Moseley, told me when they heard I was coming to Ecuador for a year, that it’d be the best experience of my life. “Go,” I remember Carol saying. “Go and see what the world is like. You’ll be a better reporter, a better person for it.” Truer words have never been said.

It’s always easy to downplay or minimize the problems of this world, especially when you haven’t seen them firsthand. But after the last 10 months, my eyes have been opened to so much. The atrocities of this world, both historical dating back centuries to the colonization by Britian, France and Portugal and present caused by “first world nations” like the United States. What it’s like to be on the outside looking in. I thought I knew the global perspective of the United States, but the actual feeling of being on the outside, seeing the disparities between countries like Ecuador and countries like the United States, is something I don’t think I’ll ever accurately be able to describe. What consumer and economic responsibility really means. Living within one’s means. All of these are to say that I have developed a passion for helping others. But the question remains how do I turn my infuriation at the disparities and atrocities in this world into action?

Which leads me back to journalism. Everytime I think of what can I do to actually do something in this world, journalism sparks in the back of my mind. Think about it. Genocide in Somolia and Rwanda. Sweatshops in Asia. Kidnappings in South America. Every story, no matter how small or large, is presented to us because of journalists. If I want to do something, to bring some change about the world, maybe journalism is the way to go. That is until I started reading a book by Anderson Cooper.

Cooper, an anchor for CNN who has extensive experience working abroad, released a book entitled Dispatches From the Edge, a retelling of his experiences in Africa, Asia after the Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina. The book had my attention from start to go. “Yeah,” I thought to myself. “This is what I should be doing.” That is until Cooper, put into words what I’ve always had in the back of my head.

[Writing about HIV-infected children dying in Africa] They die, I live. It’s the way of the world, the way it’s always been. I used to think that some good would come of my stories, that someone might be moved to act because of what I’d reported. I’m not sure I believe that anymore. One place improves, another falls apart. The map keeps changing; it’s impossible to keep up. No matter how well I write, how truthful my tales, I can’t do anything to save the lives of the children here, now.

Pessimistic for sure, but how far off is he? If it’s not Duran, Ecuador today, it will be Nairobi, Kenya tomorrow or South Central Los Angeles the next day. One place improves, another falls apart. Can I really make any sustainable change in this world? Meaning, can I be the seed for a revolution? In reality probably not; that’s not a knock to myself, but a statement of truth. I honestly believe, there will always be poverty and poor in the world. But does that mean I can’t make change? No, I think I can. I know I can. As Pat McTeague tells every retreat group that passes through her doors at Nuevo Mundo, “You have no right to fail.”

It’s not my choice. I have to do something, but the nagging question remains, what?

Putting the pieces together…

There are lots of things to share with you all that I’ve experienced in the last 10 and a half months, in fact, lots of things that I already should have shared, but I’ve found that I need more time than normal to make sense of them. There have been big events, small events, small conversations, exhausting conversations, lots of noise, lots of silence, dreadful days, joyful days, deep sadness, extreme happiness and excitement, petty fighting, uncontrollable love, etc… all of which seem to have rolled together and amounted to a big messy ball of hair that you might find behind the couch choked up by the family cat.

Something I’ve always desired in my life is clarity – clarity of mind, clarity of God’s will for me, or just peace, peace, peace! I’ve learned to let go of this desire and find much comfort in the pillowy hairball. Besides, it’s much more interesting, you never know what you might find…. maybe a cheerio!

Community Living

One of the biggest experiences of this year has been living in community. I know I haven’t talked as much about it as I should have but it’s so hard to make sense of it sometimes. I’ve never been so challenged in my entire life as I have this year by living with the roommates I currently have (shout out to Nate, Christine, and Marie!); I’ve never had my faults so exposed to the public, yet I’ve never been so confident in sharing those dark areas with those around me because I know they will help me build myself up stronger than before. It’s a rude awakening to go from having friends you’ve chosen your whole life to living with several new people you’ve never met, and now you have to work with them, live, cook, sleep, clean, pray, share your entire self with them. Like I say, it’s like being married to several people, and it’s not easy. I have decided through all this, however, I’m not a polygamist but rather a monogamist. But one thing is for sure, I could not have accomplished what I have this year, nor be the person I am without each and every one of these people (including Jessie, Vicki, Dan, Frank, Dre, Eric, Patrick, and Santi). Much love to all of you.

Damien House

Working at Damien House has been another huge experience of this year. I’ve found how much I enjoy working with the elderly, the sick, or those who are just in general need. (A few thoughts for future jobs include American Red Cross, Hospice Care, some sort of social work, or working in the healthcare field). In fact, one of the biggest impacts of this year has been sewing up a hole in the pants of a patient named Pancho. Now you can’t tell me God doesn’t come to us in the simplest of situations. A couple of weeks ago I had another neat experience with a patient named Nolberto Flores. Nolberto is depressed and cynical man with a lot of body pain, coming away from being particularly violent last year and having to be separated from the rest of the men. It seems that he has slumped into his “chair of life.” However, I still try my best to pay attention to him and invite him to do things like play cards or just chat, though I usually don’t get much of a response. So one day I went and got a 100-piece puzzle and sat next to him and began to put it together. I told him that it was important to look for the pieces that make up the border of the puzzle. After I formed the border, I told him you need to look for certain colors and put them in piles to be able to find them and test them out, all while looking at the picture on the box. And little by little, the pieces were starting to take shape and Nolberto became more interested and content with what was happening before him. You could see him lean forward more curiously as the first little bunny was completed. Eventually I finished piece 99, leaving one left. I encouraged him to pick it up and put it in place. Immediately he slipped from being content to complaining that he couldn’t put it in place because his hands tremble too much and he can’t see at all, which is quite an exaggeration. I just continued to encourage him and I helped him pick it up and place the final piece into the puzzle. And there they were: two little bunny rabbits next to a basket. Now, I wish you could see the next 30 minutes of what happened. Our old boy, Nolberto, was smiling ear to ear, saying things that translate to “holy cow!” Nolberto had never before seen a puzzle and was convinced that one could sell this masterpiece for a lot of money. Seeing his extreme excitement, I told him that I could glue it down to cardboard and hang on his wall in his room. He asked me half-concerned how much it would all cost him. I told him not to worry about a thing and ran to get the supplies to glue it down. I have yet to hang it up but will get it up soon. Regardless, I found so much hope that day in ways – creative ways – to alleviate depression, suffering, sadness, and poverty from this world. This alleviation, no matter how short, is something I find so much joy in and it gives me much hope in love for others. His expression and smile will be something I will never forget.

God

Fr. Jim Ronan, founder of Rostro de Cristo, came to visit us a few weeks ago and wanted to meet with us individually. After catching him up on my experiences he asked me how my relationship with God has been through all of this. I answered that before I would have described my relationship with God as very inside and personal, where I’d always be an observer in life; but now within the RdC experience of living in an intentional, Christian community, working with Ecuadorian foundations, and sharing with my global family in Ecuador, I feel like God is much more involved in my outside life. I feel much more outside of myself here, which is good, but makes my faith seem even more confusing, challenging, and messy than ever before… like the hairball the cat hacked up. But I realize that faith and trust in God in every aspect of life is a very practical quality to have; and because of that my faith is much more practical.

As for this last month and a half, we’ll just have to wait and see what the cat drags in. Thank you for all your continued support and prayers. Know that you’re also in my prayers and that I’ve never been more grateful for each and every one of you than I have been this year. Peace, Scott