I spent last weekend at Playas Beach with my community and with 2 former volunteers, Mike and Jill, who flew down to direct our last community retreat of the year. Our last retreat...the fourth out of four...so hard to believe. I remember loading up the van in November to head to Crucita or our first retreat of the year. What a different place I was in then! At that point, I was looking ahead with a mix of excitement and weariness at the 9 months that still lay ahead of me. Somehow, I blinked, and it became June. Now I find myself looking back over the last 11 months with a full heart. I have felt so many emotions, and really have been transformed by the reality I have lived here.
The weather was beautiful at the beach. Breezy and cool at night and sunny but not suffocatingly hot during the day. On Saturday morning, I was sitting on the beach, looking out into the big, beautiful, breathtaking ocean. I mean really...the sight of the blue, green, white, turquoise, sparkling waves; the feel of the fresh, crisp air brushing over my goosebumpy arms; the INMENSITY of the water stretching out to meet the blue sky...it gets me everytime. I love praying on the beach. I was sitting there with my journal in my lap, and suddenly my pen just began to go. This is why I love journaling. I am never really sure what's coming when I sit down to write, but it is always therapeutic. As I was reflecting, I was really aware of the cool air around me and how I felt on the beach. My mind starting wandering back to all these times in my life when I had felt similar feelings...shivering in my towel before swimming lessons at the Fairfield pool when I was little, being on the beach with my family on many different occasions, being in Daytona with college friends (although that was a little less calm, haha), and other times this past year in Ecuador. I felt so happy in my heart thinking about those times, but also a little sad, because I know they'll never be back in the same way.
I started thinking a lot about family, and what a gift it is. I've been thinking about this even more than normal since Grandpa Pete died in April. I think about how much I miss my family. How much I miss my Grandpa Pete. How he won't be there when I get off the plane in August. I think about how much I miss the times when we were younger and all together. My mind wandered and I randomly thought about the day that my parents dropped me off at college. I tried to remember how I was feeling during that time. I remember the night before leaving, sobbing with my mom in the kitchen. I remember feeling empty, scared, and excited all at the same time. What a milestone that is in our lives in the United States! I don't think I really understood at that moment just how much my life would never be the same. Since then, I have only lived in my parent's house for a few months at a time, I have traveled a lot, I have found myself in Ecuador for 2 years, and who knows where my life will go from here. How could I have predicted any of that as I lugged my pink and purple comforter and new laptop into Marycrest Hall room 793 at UD in 2004?!
It's just crazy how life happens. I wrote in my journal as I sat on the beach: "I wish we got little warnings growing up -- Hey, stop arguing with your brother! Someday you won't be living in the same house anymore! Hey, stop complaining about what your mom made for dinner! At least you're at the table with your family and at least there is food on that table! Hey, get off of instant messenger and go downstairs to be with your family! Appreciate where you are NOW! It's not always going to be like this! ... The whole family being together, eating dinner together every night, weekend trips to grandparents' houses, family vacations -- what a special time of life that really is. I am so thankful to my parents for giving us all of those times. Looking back, I wish somehow we understood in those moments just how special they really are. I feel like we do get little glimpses of understanding, but it really is impossible to grasp how deeply special moments are while they are still happening."
As I wrote this -- the lightbulb went on. I am SO bad at wishing away experiences as they happen. I am always looking behind, looking ahead. I live through moments but wait until later to REALLY cherish the goodness in them. I am sooo good at being nostalgic. But often times in daily life, I focus on the negative, I long to be where I am not, and I just don't realize the beauty happening right before my very eyes! I felt like God was speaking to me directly in that moment -- Tracy, BE GRATEFUL. For where you are, for the people you are with, WHILE it is happening! I smiled. What a good reminder to receive, especially at this point in my year in Ecuador. Since that retreat weekend, I have felt a real sense of joy in my heart. I find myself looking around at the people I am with -- I mean REALLY looking at them, with loving eyes and a grateful heart, and saying a short little silent prayer -- Lord, thank you for these people. Thank you for this moment. Thank you!
I have much to be grateful for. This last month has been wonderful. The retreat was a really rejuvenating experience. My morning work at Redima has been very fulfilling although in some ways disheartening. Melissa and I started a support group for people living with HIV and AIDS. Last week, we had the second group meeting. I was nervous, because I wasn't really sure what the group would actually do for people. I was moved speaking with one of the men before the group started. He told me just how much he appreciated being able to come to this safe space and share his feelings. "My wife knows I have HIV, my mom knows, and I have one other friend who knows. Otherwise, it's not something you can talk about. My job would fire me if they knew." I am so grateful that we are able to provide a safe space, and I am so grateful for all the ways in which these people teach me about life. I was moved watching the way the members of the group supported one another.
Teaching at Nuevo Mundo is wonderful and difficult and hilarious as always. This semester, I am a little more comfortable and prepared in the classroom. I think I have finally learned that asserting my authority and disciplining does not make me a mean person, haha. The other day I even gave my students a pop quiz when I knew none of them were paying attention to the lesson. They were so mad, but it was actually kind of fun for me. haha! In general, the kids are such a joy. I love their hugs and jokes and laughter. They also still give me lots to laugh about. Last week, we were learning about adjectives and comparative sentences. They were each coming to the board to write a sentence like "Tracy is taller than Rosalia, " for example. Adriana was wagging her hand furiously in the air, ready with her sentence. I called on her, and she skipped to the board and wrote, "Lissette is easier than Lisbeth." (Lissette and Lisbeth being 2 other girls in the class!) Turns out she thought that "easy" was the word for rápido (fast)... oops! haha! I love my job!
As usual, I have been spending all the time I can with my neighbors, who continue to impress me with their will, kindness, and generosity. After 11 months together, I feel very close to many of the families. In many ways, this is beautiful, but it is also hard. As we get closer to the families and they trust us more, they tell us more and more about how difficult their lives really are. The problems of alcoholism, abuse within families, extreme poverty, infidelity in marriage, rape, inadequate healthcare...they have all become very much more real and personal. My worldview is challenged every single day.
Despite the challenges in life here, my friends and neighbors continue to be joyful! This past weekend, Gina and I went with our guard Eduardo Lunas to visit his hometown of Pedro Carbo. We went with Nancy and Eduardo and Wellington and a few of their other relatives and stayed in his sister Mirella's house. The city was small and very poor, but super animated - especially this weekend. Every year, they have a huge festival for the feast of Saint Peter. We went out with the whole family and danced to a live cumbia band from about 9 pm until 3 am. Gina and I were definitely the only gringas in sight! It was a wonderful weekend. The Lunas family welcomed us in like were blood relatives! My hips and calves hurt like mad today from all that dancing, but it was totally worth it!
Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday, and I really looking forward to celebrating it here. Jenny is cooking me shrimp for lunch, and I could tell that the ladies at my morning job are up to something! At night, I am having dinner with my community, and then Abrahan is having a little dance party for me. Mostly, I am feeling so humbled by all the love I feel from all those around me, and I can't wait to spend my special day with them.
We have about a month left living in Arbolito, and so we are all feeling a sea of emotions. I have finally begun to process and understand many of the things I have been learning this year about faith, the world, and myself. I know I will be reflecting on those lessons for years to come. I am bursting with excitement to be home for awhile, and I am also feeling a deep sadness about leaving behind all the friendships I have made here. Like I said earlier, I am working on just living day by day, moment by moment, being grateful and soaking up all the goodness as it comes!
May God bless each of you with peace and happiness everyday! Thanks for reading as always!
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