This fool is in the stars

“May God bless us with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that we will live deep in our hearts.
May God bless us with anger
At injustice, oppression & exploitation of people and the earth
So that we will work for justice, equity, and peace.
May God bless us with tears
To shed for those who suffer,
So that we will reach out our hands to comfort them and change their pain to joy.
May God bless us with foolishness
To think that we can make a difference in the world,
So we will do the things which others say cannot be done.”

From “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers

For some reason I still have doubt. I should by now be full of confidence for a future of change with all the experience I have gained just in this year; from all the victory stories I’ve seen from Pat McTeague & Sonya at Nuevo Mundo, Sister Annie Credidio, B.V.M. at Damien House, and all the smaller, more personal stories of people on the local level. It all seems so simple, starting with a handful of money and a heart full of faith. But there’s still the hesitation, the doubt, the unbelief in the possibility – especially with me having a role in it. I have to rid myself of the idea that I’m not good enough, smart enough, or not a hard enough worker. Because I know I am, I just have to listen to God and follow my heart on where it leads me.

Deep down, I want nothing more than to “live deep in my heart; work for justice & peace; to change pain to joy; to do that which others say cannot be done.” This is my motivation to continue in my faith journey. If there is no action to my faith, then it is not alive. That is the dryness I experienced through much of college. My faith – God – has called me to more. I can no longer yearn for things but I know now that I must work for things.

Sometimes I feel like I should, or have to, plow down a new path in order to make a difference. I know this is false. People have constructed good things for us to build upon to make even better and stronger. And I can see myself maybe branching off something bigger to continue its work in a new realm.

On the other hand, I feel like I wouldn’t be creative enough to do this, and that I would end up just working in the flow of normal, monotonous work, getting lost in the smaller systems & losing sight of how big, grand, wondrous, and miraculous this world is. This is my fear. Not that this work is bad, unproductive, or inefficient but my heart is set on the though of something big, grand, wondrous, and miraculous – no matter how small it may be. Maybe that is wrong; but that’s all part of being foolish. The people who make things happen for good causes are those that society thinks are a little off. I know plenty of people who think I’m a little off, so I’d like to think I’m off to a good start.

And don’t get me wrong – I do have faith. Like I’ve said, I’ve seen the results of the hard work of many foolish people! And now I’m closer than ever because of the network I’ve established. I can’t let this go; God has equipped me with resources, a great network, talent, experience, opportunity… he wouldn’t have gifted me with it if he didn’t trust me with it or didn’t think I could do it. So this realization also gives me faith and hope. But there’s so much to say about doubt. Without doubt there would be no faith. Whenever you are experiencing doubt, you should not get frustrated. In fact, this is your chance to shine! Embrace every single doubt you have but approach it with curiosity and the attitude of having nothing to lose. The worst thing that will happen is that you will gain a load of experience. So, don’t let anyone tell you doubt is a bad thing or that you are weak because the fact of the matter is that you are on the brink of some sort of victory!

Thinking back to high school & college experiences & relationships, I still taste the remnants of the “easy answers, half-truths, & superficial relationships.” And honestly, much of it derived from my religious education & Catholic doctrine and my involvement within many faith circles. There are a lot of fake people in church; perhaps I was one of them. But this life experience inEcuador and all the doubt I’ve ever had in God has been the bridge between prayer & action. And action has only led me back to the necessity of prayer. Now if I could only get that figured out…

Sidenote: With prayer, I realize that I pray best when I’m in a setting that makes me realize how small I am in this huge, miraculous world. I think that’s one of the reasons for not being as prayerful this year. Durán is ugly & it’s hard to generally feel good in this place. But I’ll soon be gone; however, only I can leave, the people of Durán don’t have much of a choice. Anyway, I think my connection between prayer & the grandeur of this world directly correlates to my desire to get into Astronomy. I want a telescope to wonder at the grandeur of the sky, the solar system, and this unlimited world.

So hopefully with more prayer, more faith, more God, more relationships based on making this world a better place, I can turn discomfort into peace in my heart; anger into working for justice; tears into bringing joy to others; foolishness into changing the world.

“You have no right to fail.”
-Pat McTeague, President of Nuevo Mundo